The coffin housing Alias to be covered with dirt

Alias is officially dead. To no one's surprise, its move to the slot opposite Survivor killed most of its ratings, in spite of attempts to reinvigorate the show with new characters.

For anyone who wants to see the show in its former glory, reruns of at least the first season are running in syndication, and, of course, DVD sets of the first four seasons are available. Those who came to the show late might be surprised to discover a series that juggled multiple subplots and ended every episode with a cliffhanger. They might also be shocked to learn that Syndey actually had a personal life away from her complicated work life. And, anyone who knows anything about J. J. Abrams' Felicity would see touches of that show in the first season.

Now all we can do is speculate about how exactly the show will be "revved up" for the end. Will the show end in a giant shocker cliffhanger? Will Ben Affleck sneak in? Will Rambaldi resurface?

I don't get it.

I don't get Desperate Housewives.

Is it popular becuase of all the early (planted) press about its controversial nature? The key to the show's success is to apply the daytime soap opera to "typical suburbia," throw in some Seinfeldian circular writing, and wrap it up in a wimpy bag of feminine empowerment. I've resigned to sitting through a few episodes since it debuted last fall, and I'm consistently annoyed by several elements.

Sue Ellen Mishki might have a great rack, but she has a terrible narrating voice. Her equally curvaceous sing-songy snarky-yet-kindhearted tone has driven me to the edge of madness into which I fall when being inundated with the show's soundtrack.

I'm glad Danny Elfman was unshackled by Marvel Entertainment long enough to score a quirky yet unspectacular theme, but the incidental music might as well be a fork to a chalkboard or a chorus repeatedly shouting, "Aren't we clever!" This music is the most smug self-aggrandizing device since the vile laugh track.

The characters are completely unlikeable, and I'm not sure if that's deliberate. At least Arrested Development has Michael. And better writing. Much better writing. And better acting. And that's the show that gets ignored and cancelled!

Why is this show popular with reasonably intelligent people? My only guess is that they are all afraid of missing out on water cooler talk on Monday.

Things you might hear The Donald say on future episodes of "The Apprentice"

• Your task is to market six new colors of Play-Doh.
• Daihatsu makes the world's best cars.
• Frankly, I don't get how you couldn't create a new kind of pickled product.
• Your reward is a shopping spree at Sherwin Williams.
• Welcome to the eighth week of your thirteen-week job interview. And by "eighth week" I mean "second week." And by "thirteen-week" I mean "one month." And by "job interview" I mean "ratings grab by a desperate network."
• I'm really dead inside. You know that?
• George will be my eyes and ears while Carolyn will be my hat.
• Your task this week is to pull me out of bankruptcy.